i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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