my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
