what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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