I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
