Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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