I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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