girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
