if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
