my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
