OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
