hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
