...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
