I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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