Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am midnight drunk by noon
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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