I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
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