Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
