Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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