I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
