It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
