Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
