the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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