nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
