I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
