I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I AM VODKA MAN
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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