Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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