I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
