The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
