Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
