i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
