everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
