I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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