I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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