we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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