in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
