my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
