what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
