There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
