youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
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They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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