If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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