NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
