I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
