why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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