Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
