I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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