he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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