I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
