No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
