She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
