would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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