Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
