i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
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I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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