So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
