Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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