My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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