Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
