i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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