Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
