Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
