I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
