with your own penis?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
