So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
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there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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