Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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